Hot Oil Aromatherapy

Till now, despite the numerous massages which I have had, I have never had a Hot Oil Aromatherapy Massage. Sarah has had one before (she is looking over my shoulder as I write this so I better watch my words) but always poo-pooed the idea whenever I suggested it. Now I know why.

We were in Let's Relax (our favourite Thai massage parlour) and we asked for the Heavenly Relax package - which is foot reflexology followed by a 2 hour Thai herbal massage. To our surprise, they were fully booked and didn't have any spare beds for the Thai herbal massage. As we were determined to have a massage every day we were in Phuket, we were left with little choice but to try a different package. And hence, I got my opportunity to try the hot oil massage.

Hot Oil Aromatherapy is probably the most famous of massages as movies and TV generally show this type of massage. Before you start, you take a shower and then put on a pair of blue pants (Sarah says they are black but I think she is colorblind) which are provided for you. Then you lie down, face up, on a massage couch, lay a towel over yourself and wait for the masseuse.

After the masseuse arrives, the massage itself starts innocuously enough. The masseuse rubs her hands with the oil and holds it over my nose for a moment so that I can breath in the aroma of the lemongrass flavored oil. Then she starts to massage my shoulders and arms. And then things start to "heat up" for lack of a better word.

She starts to massage my chest by running her hands under the towel. As she ran her hands over my chest (more specifically my breasts!), I couldn't help but think "Allo, do women get the same treatment?" (Sarah says they don't).

Next up was my abdomen aka my fat belly. However, before she could massage my stomach, there was the small problem of the towel covering me. Being highly experienced, she knew exactly what to do. Whisking away the towel, she exposed my stomach and pants.

Clearly, when I put on the pants, I pulled them up too high as the first thing the masseuse did was to pull them down a bit lower. Only a bit lower though as it wasn't long before the pants got stuck on "something" (although she didn't immediately realise this). Anyway, she's yanking away at my pants while I'm thinking "hey lady - stop pulling, they won't go any lower" (if you don't know why, I suggest you look up a biology book - specifically the chapter on male anatomy). Eventually, she realises that the pants are stuck and stops yanking long enough to start massaging my abdomen.

Once the front of my body had been well massaged, she held up the towel and told me to turn over. I was now lying face down on the couch with a towel covering my lower back and legs.

After massaging my back, it was time for my left leg. She moves the towel covering my legs to reveal my left leg. Again, I clearly don't know how to put on a pair of pants as the first thing she does is to adjust them. She grips the edge of the pants and pulls them up and sideways until its nestling right in the crevice between my buttocks (kind of like a wedgie but not as hard!).

Now that she has my bottom sufficiently exposed, she starts to massage my left buttock. This continues until she gets bored and switches to my right leg (and corresponding buttock). A whole new meaning to the phrase "turn the other cheek".

So that was my experience of Hot Oil Aromatherapy - highly enjoyable I'm sure you'll agree. However, I'm not sure I would repeat the experience as there was one thing which troubled me at the time and which still troubles me now.

After service like that, am I supposed to give a bigger tip?

Phuket

Sarah and I enjoy going to Phuket. We have been here several times now and the reason we keep coming back is the great weather coupled with the great massage. And seeing as I'm currently in Phuket, I'm sure you can understand why I'm in such a good mood right now. :)

We are staying in the Holiday Inn hotel in Patong beach (arrived here last night). This is our preferred hotel in Phuket (tell you why in a moment) and we have been here several times before.

So what have I been upto? To be honest - not much. Just loitered around the place and enjoyed the weather. What do I intend to do while I'm here? To be honest - not much. I intend to loiter around the place and enjoy the weather. :)

Anyway, there are 2 reasons we enjoy staying in Holiday Inn. The first is Sam's Steak and Grill. One of the restaurants in the hotel is a steakhouse. The steaks are from Australia and are pretty good quality. The place is not as good as Ruths' Chris. However, its a heck of a lot cheaper so I really can't complain.

So we went to Sam's last night. I had the lobster bisque, T-bone steak with peppercorn sauce and profiteroles for dessert. The soup was really nice - very strong flavor and a couple of chunks of lobster too (at least, I hope it was lobster!). The steak was good - juicy with a nice texture. Unfortunately, the profiteroles were slightly disappointing as the chocolate sauce was too thin. Still - a nice meal all around.

After dinner, we went out for a walk and wandered over to Lets Relax - the second reason we enjoy staying in the Holiday Inn. Lets Relax is a chain of massage parlors in Thailand. The place is decorated in a similar style in all of the chain stores I have been to and it is very clean and comfortable.

The massage is great. Whats even better is that the massage parlor is a 5 minute walk from the hotel. A nice relaxing massage followed by a quick walk back to the hotel and bed. Heavenly.

Getting a United Kingdom visa

Being British, I obviously don't need a visa to get into the UK. But what about the other poor plebs who need to get a visa to enter the country? Well, especially for you, here are 5 tips on how to complete your visa application:

1. The UK is a country with a long and proud history and you should be taking this opportunity to learn how wonderful we are. If all you want to do is go sightseeing, then go somewhere else as you clearly don't appreciate our culture.
2. If this is your first holiday abroad, don't go to the UK. We only welcome cosmopolitan people who are well travelled.
3. Make sure you practice your English before you go. If you can't speak our language properly, then you're not welcome (obviously it is okay for us to go to other countries even though we only speak English - after all, we are British).
4. Make sure you plan out your holiday and know exactly what you intend to do once you get to the UK. Otherwise, we won't let you in. After all, we don't want you just loitering around the place.
5. If you are visiting friends there, you will stay with those friends and not spend any money on a hotel. Otherwise, we suspect that you are not really their friend and are lying to us for the sole purpose of getting into our country.

There you go - 5 simple tips for you to remember the next time you apply for a visa to enter the UK.

Still here? Whats wrong? You think I'm joking? I assure you - I am being perfectly serious. If you don't believe me, you can always refer to the BBC, a highly reputable news source, which reported on this recently.

The health benefits of obesity

Based on a new study in the US, obesity appears to increase your chance of living longer if you have heart problems. Some of you are probably thinking "hey, good news for Jokemeister then!". However, this is actually really shitty news for me.

The thing is I'm fat. I know I'm fat. So does everyone else. However, I'm not so fat that I would be considered obese (I think - or should that be I hope?). Which puts me in a strange position.

I'm fat enough that it affects my health. That is, I'm fat enough that the risk of me developing a heart problem increases. So in that respect - I'm too fat. However, I'm not obese - so in the event that I do develop heart problems, I don't have the "advantage" of having an increased chance of living longer. So in that respect - I'm not fat enough.

So what should I do? The obvious choice is to go on a diet and lose weight. However, that sounds too much like work. So what does that leave me with?

Not sure to be honest. In any event, I think its time for me to get some dinner.
:)

Fathers Day

As I'm sure most of you are aware, Father's Day has just passed (at the weekend). To be honest, I don't normally pay any attention to these kinds of events - however, something happened this weekend which may just change my perspective forever. And, as with everything wonderful in my life recently, it involves Gerry.

Sarah and I have what you would call a routine for getting Gerry in the car. Basically, Sarah keeps an eye on him while he runs around. Meanwhile, I get the toddler seat ready for him. When I'm ready, I signal Sarah and she tells Gerry to come to me at which point I put him in the toddler seat and buckle him in.

Gerry obviously doesn't always do what we tell him. And this weekend, as usual, he takes one look at me and decides that he would prefer to keep running around. Undeterred, I pull out my secret weapon - I hold my arms out.

This is the signal that if he runs to me now, I will hoist him high into the air (which he enjoys very much). At the same time, I give him one of my patented daddy smiles. Not surprisingly, he falls for my charms and starts running towards me. Just as he gets to me, I pick him up and hoist him high into the air - all the while the two of us giggling away like madmen.

As I bring him back down into my arms, he has this big happy grin on his face. He looks so happy and so cute. On the spur of the moment, I decide to give him a big sloppy kiss. I bend forward to kiss him on his cheek. However, just before I get there, he turns his head and I almost end up giving him mouth to mouth!

Luckily, I managed to stop my momentum. Seeing as he was too cute not to kiss, I try again, and successfully land a big sloppy and noisy kiss on his cheek. Being the object of my affection, Gerry is naturally very happy - however, his reaction is completely unexpected.

He deliberately bends forward and kisses me on the cheek - not just any kiss, but a big noisy sloppy kiss. To say I was ecstatic was to understate things. I felt like grabbing Gerry and dancing round the carpark. Instead, I turned the other cheek and he kissed that cheek as well!

Gerry's first ever kiss - and he gave it to me.
:)

red vs blue

I just made another change to my blog structure. You can see, just above these posts, an embedded link to the penultimate episode of red vs blue, the award winning machinima from Rooster Teeth.

Now I'm guessing most of you have never heard of machinima. Not surprising really as I suspect that, other than gamers, most people won't have. So - what is machinima?

Machinima is the art of taking a game engine and using it to create a video. The red vs blue machinima is made using the Halo 2 engine (although it was made using the original Halo engine when it first debuted). Whats really impressive is how good some of the writing is from these machinima. Part of the reason that red vs blue is so famous in the machinima community is the genuinely funny dialogue that Rooster Teeth have come up with.

Another impressive area of machinima is how the producers have taken the game engine, and all its resulting limitations, and still managed to come up with ways to convey what is happening in the video. Check out this link for a reproduction of the courtroom scene in A Few Good Men. Very impressive - especially with the lip synching.

Obviously, these won't replace real actors anytime soon. Still, its impressive how a little creativity can go so far.

Julie Amero

Although this happened a few days ago, I only just found out - Julie Amero has been given a retrial! Which is good news as I believe that if this case went to trial again, she would get an acquittal.

By now, most of you are probably wondering who Julie Amero is. You can find a pretty good write-up of the case from csriu (the document is on the right hand side - I have also given a direct link to that doc here). Or you could just keep reading for the short version.

Julie Amero is a substitute teacher in the US. On October 19 2004, she was called in to a middle school to act as a sub. As she was a sub, she didn't have any password access to logon to the school network and was told that she was not to turn off the PC. She was also computer illiterate and didn't actually know how to turn off a PC!

The PCs in the particular school she was subbing at were not up-to-date in that the anti-virus and anti-adware software was not maintained (which I think may have been against state regulations - but thats another issue). This is a very important point so its worth repeating - the anti-virus and anti-adware software on the PC was not update.

During the class, pornography started to pop-up on the PC. Julie didn't know what to do (remember she is computer illiterate and was specifically told not to switch off the PC) so she just tried her best to stop the class from seeing the porn. Despite her efforts, some of the children did manage to see some of the porn on the screen. When the class finished, Julie immediately ran to the teachers lounge and got help from the other teachers.

She was arrested and convicted on four counts (one of which was impairing the morals of a minor). The maximum sentence she could have received on the above was 40 years.

What really gets me is the seeming incompetence and duplicity of everyone involved in this case. The list is too long to go into here (you can read the article above for more details - also, try running a search online yourself and you will find that there are lots of articles talking about this) but it seems like a lot of people's heads need to roll from this.

Just a couple of choice examples. The investigators never checked the PC for a virus or other malware. Considering the description of events given by Julie, it defies logic that the investigators never checked the PC.

The school officials themselves seem to be seriously shady. Rather than take responsiblity, they seem to prefer withholding testimony in order to save their own asses. Way to act as a role model for the kids you f@cking bunch of losers.

The prosecution also managed to find another computer illiterate to testify as an "expert" witness to say that based on the fact that the links on the webpages were now blue, this could only mean that Julie had clicked on those links. No. Just No. I should say at this stage that I am giving the "expert" witness the benefit of the doubt by calling him computer illiterate. The alternative is to call him a deceitful lying son of a female dog.

Anyway, the above are just a couple of examples. If you are interested, I would highly suggest you read the document I linked to above as it has a better analysis than I could ever write. Also, you can visit the Julie Amero blog.

Many Americans too fat to commit suicide

This article is so hilarious that I just had to share it.

If you have never heard of it, The Onion is a fake news site which contains satirical articles on US culture. To be honest, I don't normally read The Onion. I don't know enough about the daily happenings in US to appreciate the humor in the articles there. However, this article is so well written that even though I don't know the background to the article, I still find it funny.

The best quote, about dieting, is at the end of the article: "If they mistake their all-but-meaningless improvement for a legitimate reason to live, their fat, revolting lives may be prolonged indefinitely."

:D

Maybe its simply a result of me being raised in Britain but I have always enjoyed sarcastic humor (and us Brits do sarcasm so well). I wonder - does this come through in my writing?

Sweet Sweet Savoury Snacks

When I was a wee kid in school, I had to do a lot of walking. The walk was a result of us living quite far away from school. So every day, I would get a regular amount of exercise just walking to and from school. The walk itself was 15 minutes (yeah yeah, I know, you're thinking "is that all?" - just bear in mind that I've always been a fat git).

On the way to school, we would pass by a newsagents. Even then, I had a fair amount of disposable income (for a kid) - mainly as I used to help my dad out in the takeaway restaurant he ran hence I got a fair amount of "pocket" money. Naturally, rather than wisely investing my income, I spent as much of it as I could.

However, what can a kid spend money on? Well, the answer of course are crisps! Every day, on the way home from school, I would stop off at the newsagents and buy a bag of crisps (or other corn snack). Sometimes, I would even buy 2 packs in 1 day - 1 on the way to school and 1 on the way back.

Happy days! :)

I was reminded of this happy childhood event today as on the way home from work, I stopped at the local 7-11 and bought a 80g bag of Calbee's Bacon Cheese flavour Grill-A-Corn. As I sat on the MTR on the way home, chomping away at my bag of corn snacks, I couldn't help but think ...

"Sweet Sweet Savoury Snacks - I've missed you old friend!"

Pre-June Gerry

Although we are now in June, I thought it would be fun to share with you some pictures we took of Gerry during May. Especially as its been a while since I posted pictures of him.


Look how happy he is! This is just a picture of him running around the flat. You can't tell from this picture, but he has already done several laps around the flat by this stage - and still looking happy!

The next couple of pictures are actually quite rare. Gerry doesn't like wearing hats. Whenever you put a hat or cap on him, he normally immediately pulls it off. I have no idea why he was willing to wear it this time but we immediately took some photos to commemorate the occasion!


I recently had some friends visit me back in April. One of them was kind enough to buy Gerry a new toy. That new toy was a farmers tractor. The cool thing is that the tractor comes with a cart stuffed with animals. You can press the farmers head and the tractor will drive off - dragging the cart along with it.

When we first got the tractor, we thought it would be fun to put some of Gerry's toys onto the cart and then start the tractor. As the tractor rattled off, Gerry gave it a quick startled glance before getting up and chasing after the tractor. At first we thought he wanted to grab the tractor and bring it back. However, it turns out he only wanted to grab his toys (which in his mind, were in the process of being toynapped).

We naturally immediately put more of his toys into the tractor. :D

Sure enough, he immediately chased after the tractor and "saved" all his toys! What a hero! And we have the photo to prove it.


And now for a change from your normal programme. We normally show Gerry as a happy kid (I'm desperately trying to prove I'm a good daddy here!). However, even when he cries, Gerry is a cute little tyke. Just in case you don't believe me, here are some pictures of him looking less than happy!

Made in China = poor quality

As you may recall, I recently had some friends from the UK visit me here in Hong Kong. One of the things we talked about was the quality of Chinese goods.

When I was a kid, the label "Made in China" meant poor quality. Everybody knew this and would avoid these products like the plague. Over time, as more and more products got made in China, I made the argument to my friends that the quality of goods in China has also risen until we are at the stage now where most stuff is of reasonable quality (given the price). Unfortunately, I now have to eat humble pie and take back that statement.

As you know, I have recently been rewatching Star Trek: The Next Generation. What I didn't say at the time was that the DVDs I have been watching were the Chinese version. The reason being that they are a lot cheaper than the HK version. For example, in HK, buying 1 complete season of Star Trek costs over HK$1,000. This is a ridiculous price which I wasn't prepared to pay - hence I ended up buying the China version instead. Now, at this point, I should also mention that I bought original DVDs and not pirates (at least thats what I hope!!).

Now for the drop in price, I was expecting some cuts in quality. And sure enough, the picture quality of the DVDs looked more like VCDs. This didn't bother me - as I said, I was expecting it.

What I wasn't expecting was a cut in the length of the DVD. Currently, each DVD houses 4 episodes. Unfortunately, due to stupid Chinese people, the fourth episode on each DVD is cut short. In some cases, the very last bit is missing (just before Picard says "Engage" and the Enterprise flies off into the sunset). However, in some cases, a significant portion has been lost (and I know as I have seen these before) resulting in the twist at the end of the show being lost as well!

This. really. pisses. me. off.

So much so that I am now desperately hoping that the stock market in China will crash and lots of people will be bankrupt and then jump off a building and die.

And before you ask - no, I am not and have never pretended to be a nice guy.

Bubba Gump

And so my sporting heaven/hell week comes to an end, not with a bang but with a whimper. Story of my life really.

I didn't actually play badminton today. When we woke up this morning, Sarah said she would need to work the weekend as she had an urgent assignment. As she needed a break, she wanted to have a rest today by leaving work (relatively) early and going out for a nice dinner. I was originally tempted to say no and continue on my sporting heaven/hell but she threw me one of her big eyed puppy dog looks and I folded quicker than a bad poker hand.

We were originally going to go to Wanya. She has always liked this restaurant and was a bit peeved that she wasn't able to join my friends and I last time we went. Unfortunately, when I called to make a booking, I was told the restaurant was fully booked - I guess this is a measure of how popular the place is.

So, what to do? After due discussion with Sarah (after the requisite running around in a panic like a headless chicken of course), we decided to return to one of our old stomping grounds. The Movenpick Marche restaurant at The Peak.

Unfortunately, that restaurant was now closed. However, in its place was an American restaurant called Bubba Gump which was themed after the character Forrest Gump. Having no better ideas, we decided to give the place a try.

The restaurant is actually quite cute. It specialises in shrimp and the restaurant has lots of (fake?) memorabilia from the movie. One of the more unique aspects is that the table has a large plaque on it with the words "Run Forrest Run" embossed on it. However, if you turn the plaque over, you find the words "Stop Forrest Stop". The idea is that if you want a waiter to stop and provide service, you turn the plaque over so that they know to stop. Cute eh?

The food at Bubba Gump is also v nice. As the place specialises in shrimp, we naturally ordered lots of shrimp! The highlight of the meal was, without a doubt, the Cajun Shrimp appetiser. The shrimps are cooked in cajun sauce (slightly spicy but not very) and served in a hot pan together with two slices of garlic bread. The garlic bread was really well done - one of the better garlic bread I have had - and the flavours go together really well.

If you ever get a chance to go, I definitely recommend the Cajun Shrimp starter.