Getting a United Kingdom visa

Being British, I obviously don't need a visa to get into the UK. But what about the other poor plebs who need to get a visa to enter the country? Well, especially for you, here are 5 tips on how to complete your visa application:

1. The UK is a country with a long and proud history and you should be taking this opportunity to learn how wonderful we are. If all you want to do is go sightseeing, then go somewhere else as you clearly don't appreciate our culture.
2. If this is your first holiday abroad, don't go to the UK. We only welcome cosmopolitan people who are well travelled.
3. Make sure you practice your English before you go. If you can't speak our language properly, then you're not welcome (obviously it is okay for us to go to other countries even though we only speak English - after all, we are British).
4. Make sure you plan out your holiday and know exactly what you intend to do once you get to the UK. Otherwise, we won't let you in. After all, we don't want you just loitering around the place.
5. If you are visiting friends there, you will stay with those friends and not spend any money on a hotel. Otherwise, we suspect that you are not really their friend and are lying to us for the sole purpose of getting into our country.

There you go - 5 simple tips for you to remember the next time you apply for a visa to enter the UK.

Still here? Whats wrong? You think I'm joking? I assure you - I am being perfectly serious. If you don't believe me, you can always refer to the BBC, a highly reputable news source, which reported on this recently.