Take a deep breath and count to ten

I have a bad temper.

This might be a surprising statement for those who have only known me a couple of years but anyone who has known me longer is probably standing there, or rather sitting there, nodding their head in agreement. It wasn't until I started working that I realised I really needed to rein my temper in (basically, you see other people in the office with a bad temper and you realise that you don't want to be that person). It took me a couple of years but I think I have managed to do a good job of controlling it in most cases. I guess the proof will be in whether my more recent friends think I'm a good natured guy or not...

Anyway, despite the above, I very nearly lost my temper this morning.

This happened on the MTR on the way to work at Hong Kong station. Hong Kong station is basically at the end of the Tung Chung line so everybody gets off the train at the same time on this station - which can be particularly pleasant during rush hour...

What normally happens is that everybody tries to file out at the same time so you get a small measure of people bumping into each other. However, on a semi-regular basis, someone will get a bit more aggressive and try to nudge you out of the way instead of just bumping up against you. Whenever this happens, I generally try to stand firm - I'm not going to get out of your way simply because you try and push me out of the way (quick social commentary - in my experience, its generally women who try to do this - why is that?). If you can nudge or barge me out of the way, then I will generally take my lumps and "let" you pass. And when I say barge, I really do mean barge. Believe it or not, this has happened to me - a smallish woman once took a two step run and barged me out of the way - I was so surprised that I couldn't help but laugh which got me the evil eye from her.

On the morning in question (ie this morning), on the way out of the train, the above happened as per normal. A woman tries to push me out of the way as we exit the train. As per usual, I don't deliberately let her pass and she wasn't strong enough to push me out of the way. However, after getting out of the train, the woman runs around me and just as she passes me, she deliberately shoulders me (not to get in front of me but just for the sake of barging me) and tries to elbow me in the ribs at the same time (she missed with the elbow).

I'm ashamed to say I reacted and nudged her back. Not the most adult of reactions but there you go - that's who I am. She obviously didn't like this and again, she shoulders me and tries to elbow me. Again, she misses with the elbow (btw, she kept missing because there was a fundamental problem with her technique - she would shoulder me and then try to elbow me by which time its too late - what you need to do is elbow at the same time as the barge - in effect, leading with the elbow instead of the shoulder). At this point, I lost it. I balled my fist and was just about to smack her (an actual punch and not just a push) when she got onto the escalator. That meant that I had to pause for a second in order to adjust my aim (I didn't want to punch her in the ass). That extra second was just enough to give me pause and I managed to cool down enough so I was able to just ignore the woman instead.

But I was that close to punching her (and I mean punches instead of just pushing someone). Its actually really scary how close I came to physically assaulting a woman. Disregarding how shameful it is to assault a woman, the only outcome would have been me in a jail cell. Not particularly appealing.

So, what happened? How come I lost my temper - after all, its not the first time someone has barged into me?

Looking back on the event (using my amateur psychology glasses), it was a combination of two things which set me off:

1) She didn't shoulder charge me for the purpose of getting in front of me - she did it for the purpose of attacking me.
2) She also tried to elbow me - again, this could only have been for the purpose of attacking me.

Both of these actions are in the nature of attacks against me. Compare this with the other situation above where a smallish woman took two running steps and barged me out of the way. In the other situation, the smallish woman, although rude, was still focused on getting past me. Nothing personal as it were - I just happened to be the sap who was in her way.

However, the situation this morning was completely different. The woman this morning was attacking me rather than just trying to get past me. That made it personal. My guess is that my mind treated it as self defence rather than assault (the "hey, she attacked me first" defence!) which was why I went straight into fisty-fisty mode.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not trying to justify my actions. What I did was shameful. I should have just ignored the woman after she first tried to elbow me instead of escalating the issue by pushing her back. In addition, my response of fisticuffs was completely incommensurate to the offence. However, now that I know why, hopefully, I can better control myself in future if the situation ever repeats itself.